Folded Benjamins

My Uncle weighs in on some life advice for me.

I had just moved out to the west coast to start my first job. Big move. Entire loving family was back on the east coast. They were spread out all down the Eastern side of the country from Boston to some podunk town in the Smoky mountains of Tennessee. I was excited and so ready to put college in my rearview mirror. From some 2600 miles away. Gulp.

I opened the note card from my Uncle. My Dad’s brother and the oldest in the family along with three sisters. It was a Victorian era Valentine card with an eerie looking dog holding a basket of flowers. It was mid July. That tracked with my Uncle. I opened it and a brand new folded one hundred dollar bill fluttered to the floor. I picked it up. Whoa, a C-note folded in 3 sections. Thanks Unc. I read his wobbly handwriting.

Dear Nicky, it began, We are all so excited for you to begin this new part of your life. Letting go for us means reaching forward for you and that is the coolest. So congratulations on graduating and starting your new life.

I remember one raucous Thanksgiving at your house with everyone there. Your 3 Aunts all made it that year plus the cousins and nephews and nieces. Overwhelmingly female, a smattering of token males. Everyone was talking and your Aunt Misericordia (I think I’m the only one who still calls her Miz) standing next to me yelled in my ear “So how does it feel to be the patriarch of this family ?” I leaned over to her and shouted back in her ear that this was a matriarchy. In a patriarchy I wouldn’t have to shout to be heard.
Women rule in our tribe. It’s wonderful. The guys cook to stay relevant and needed. We can eat some.
So in commemoration of starting out on your own and because it’s what this Uncle of yours does I am passing along 3 snippets of old guy wisdom.
They are:

1. The Folded Benjamin- Be prepared. Zombies don’t take credit cards

2. Watch Your Six- Be aware. Trust your gut, no hesitation. Act now.

3. Farmer Blow- Be a badass. I’ve got a head full of snot and I know how to use it.

The Folded Benjamin is a challenge and a promise. The challenge is to find a place to tuck this into something you carry with you all the time and then promptly forget about it. How long can you hold onto this bill without breaking it into little Presidents? It’s a safety net when your all powerful and all knowing iOS shits the bed or you find yourself in a situation where cash is the king. Like the Zombie Apocalypse. These days it’s a rare occurrence granted, but it will happen. When it does you can be the one that says, “Hey guys, I forgot I had cash, we are out of here.” Insert any number of unexpected scenarios. I’ve had one in my wallet for almost a year. You will know when you need it. The promise is to yourself to always have a back up plan and an escape route mentally, physically or emotionally. It’s like old Ben himself is counseling you to think about your life in a slow and measured way that often gets pushed aside in the instant dopamine culture of screen shots, tik toks and IG posts.

Watch Your Six. You may have heard me use this one over and over and over before. I realize I do repeat myself. Sometimes on purpose. It’s my signature. But in case you don’t know, this expression is from the military. It is about situational awareness. Out on patrol or flying on a combat mission soldiers would be reminded that the 6 o’clock position (think of a clock face with the numbers laid out around you, 12 o’ clock directly ahead and 6 o’clock is directly behind you) is the place where you are most likely to be surprised or caught off guard. It’s simply a shorthand way to remind you that the real world is around you and changing and it reminds us to keep our antenna tuned in. Which you can’t do when you walk and your face is in the phone. Most importantly, when that alarm jingles in your head act on it now. Don’t hesitate because you may cause a scene or worry about what others may think. Just do it. Drop the guy, quit the job, say something that the other person might not want to hear. You da boss.

Farmer Blow- This one is about attitude. There are times to ask for a tissue and there are times to just let ‘er rip. I searched the term on Reddit and got booger blast, snot rocket, mucous mortar. It takes practice. I’d suggest alone at first. Both my girls are good at it. They can illustrate if you need some coaching. Hell there is probably a You-Tube on it. Wait… Yeah of course there is.
It is very useful when a tissue is either not handy or just inconvenient. It is de rigueur for athletes on the field but most effective in more genteel social situations when you want to make a statement. Shock and awe. I’d hold off on first dates unless you want to swipe left and exit quickly. Guaranteed to work there. What it might say for example is “I’m sure this situation is not gonna work for me and I’m leaving.” Like a mike drop. It might also signal “I see you up there oogling and you might want to think twice about messing with me.” It’s a confidence reinforcer and disrupts the expected social order, which is what it is designed to do. Signals that you are in charge, don’t care what you think at this moment. Use it sparingly around others for great effect to change the tone and narrative of a situation. Be forewarned however it might have a negative impact on your social standing among your peers. Be cautious with it. I have faith in you to use it wisely. Less is more here. Oh, and you don’t need stuff in your head to make it work. The visual of it is effect enough.

There you have it. My 3 Maxims. Not the only 3 out there. Won’t change society with them I’ll bet. Especially the last one. Can you imagine everyone doing that? But they are mine and fulfill one of my life’s purposes. To help care for the very special women in my life who I love and empower them with my encouragement, support and sacrifice. In little ways and in big ways. That’s you.

I love you. You are one amazing woman.

Unca T

So there it was. It’s amazing what a few words can do for you. From someone who loves you. Makes all the difference in the world.